Homestuck, rewritten
by HomestuckWhovianNightFury
Summary: <html><head></head>What happens when you combine a Homestuck upd8, a boring english class, and a fanfiction writer (I use the term loosely)? Why, you get the most ridiculous, awfully planned out story, filled with crappy rescue missions, angry aliens and bad chapter/story titles! What could possibly go wrong? (Rated T because caution) (Sorry guys, this is going on a bit of a hiatus)</html>
1. Insert funny chapter title here

**So, uh, hey guys. I'm back. Yay. I decided to write a homestuck fanfic, as you can probably tell. It's pretty much just going to be homestuck, with sburb and whatnot, u, as the title suggests, I'm going to completly rewrite it, adding an extra character. Also, if at any point in the story anyone comes up with a better title, I will gladly accept the suggestion. And if there's anything at all you want in the story, just let me know and I'll try to incorporate it. And if I cant, I might write a one-shot for you. But anyways, on with the show!**

Your name is Kathrine Zenderall. You think you have got to have the worst last name ever. Stupid author, giving you a name like that. What were they thinking?! You have a passion for art, but you don't think you're very good at it. You play the piano most of the time though. You love it. Last year for Christmas your aunt and brother got you a fantastic electric piano because they got tired of hearing you play all the time. It is pretty much a normal piano, but you can plug headphones into it and it's got a few other whirlybobs on it. You also like to read. A lot. You do not have any pets, mostly because of your brother, who is allergic to cats and dogs. You do not have many friends in real life, but you have more than a few on Pesterchum.

Kathrine, open pesterchum on your computer ==

STUPID STUPID STUPID

You do not have a computer! You are not allowed to have one! However it is your birthday soon, and you have a sneaking suspicion you might be getting a laptop as a present.

Kathrine, open pesterchum on whatever you use as a comuncation device ==

You sigh, knowing that it had to be done. You would have to leave your room to steal your aunts computer. Oh, how you hate doing this. You get up reluctantly, and walk over to your door. You open it, shutting your eyes as you do so. As you step out of your room, you crack one eye open slightly. ON NO! You are instantly assaulted by the ghastly sight of the hideous pink walls that decorate your home. Oh, how you hate it here.

As you walk up the stairs to the computer room in your house, you contemplate why you hae a specific room for the computer. It's not like anyone even uses the computer there. Hmm, strange. Perhaps it's just a name given to the room by your aunt so she doesn't sound like a complete idiot. Haha, complete fail.

You sneak down the hallway towards the computer, only to see that your brother is using it! You did not for see this. You must cause a distraction.

Kathrine, cause a distraction ==

You reach into your pocket and pull out...a small beanbag turtle. Well, this will have to do. You throw it directly at your brothers head and let out a small giggle to draw him away from the computer. You then duck into the near by room before he even looks up. You hear him typing, most likely to tell his friends that he must leave for a bit. You stomps down the hall, past the room that you are currently hiding in. Hey, which room is this anyways?

Oh No! You have mistakenly hidden in your aunts room, and she is currently standing behind you! However, she is currently painting and has not noticed you. You quickly leave, and get the computer. Success! Now, you must get it back to your room.

You run for it.

You see your brother just in front of you, but you will not back down. You note that he is standing next to an open door, and will mostly likely duck through it if you run at him.

charge.

yes, just as you predicted. He is such a coward.

you dash to the end of the hall, down the stairs, and back too the safety of your room. You quickly lock it.

As you open up the laptop, you see that your brother was playing a popula building game. You have no idea why it is popular, but many people seem to enjoy it. You decide as a punishment for attempting to stop you, you must mess with your brother. You quickly figure out the controls for the game, and walk over to the nearest person. They appear to be a girl. you look at the bottom of the screen, and notice she has messaged you.

cleopatrathequeen: hey, I guess you are back!

calumthekiller(you): yeah, I am. 

callumthekiller(you): uh, hey, I have something to tell you. For a long time now, I have have a crush on you.

cleopatrathequeen: ...

callumthekiller(you): i gtg, bye

you quickly log off the game, laughing quietly to your self. Yes, that was a good punishment. You must tell your friends about it.

Kathrine, for the last time, open pesterchum ==

**hey guys. So, you probably thought this was an actual update, but I was just fixing some things and adding some more stuff to this chapter. Also, I really really need help coming up with a pesterchum handle for Kate. I added some more to her likes/dislikes at the top so if you go read that you can review/PM me an idea for a pesterchum handle. That would be great.**


	2. People need my help for some reason

**Hey I'm back. Woo. New chapter. Sorry this took so long, I kept writing out most of the chapte, and then forgetting to save. But anyways, if you guys want something in the story let me know, blah blah blah, also I just realized that I didn't put a disclaimer or anything in the first chapter. So here it is: I do not own anything other than my plot, and my OC's. Probably some other stuff in there too, but whatever. I don't own Homestuc. Also, I couldn't think of a pesterchum handle, so until either someone gives me an idea or I think up one, Kathrines handle is just gonna be represented by a bunch of underscores. And if I mess up someone's typing quirk I would really appreciate someone telling me. Also, this chapter is in first person, because second person is hard to write in, and it's been taking over how I write in school.**

For the last time, open pesterchum ==

I open pesterchum. three of my friends have been pestering me. Ugh, I really need to get a computer.

I click on the first handle.

-gallowsCalibrator (GC) began pestering _ (_)-

GC: H3Y

GC: YOUR BRO H4S TH3 L4PTOP

GC: GO G3T 1T

GC: SOLLUX W4NTS TO T4LK TO YOU

GC: HURRY UP H3 S4YS 1TS IMPORT4NT 4ND H3 WONT L34V3 M3 4LON3

_: ugh sorry

_: you know, it's really weird how you guys can just watch me.

_: it's actually kinda annoying

GC: 4H3M

GC: YOU FORGOT YOUR QU1RK

_: õh rìght, šõrrÿ.

_: ãñÿwãÿš

_: ÿõū šãìd Śõłłūx wãñtš tõ tãłk tõ mė?

GC: OH Y34H

GC: YOU SHOULD PROB4BLY GO 4NSW3R H1M

GC: BY3

-gallowsCalibrator (GC) ceased pestering _ (_)-

_: bÿė

so, that was Terezi. Yeah, i should probably explain something. See, most of those friends I told you about? Yeah, they're aliens, called trolls. The way we 'met' was they started bugging me online, and were very confused as to why I didn't seem to care. Seriously, saying 'haha, soooo funny' and 'that was a _great_ joke' a few times will confuse the hell out of most people who try to insult you. Anyways, after a while some of us became friends, and they made me get a typing quirk. Terezi keeps drawing me as a troll, but she's blind so her drawings kinda suck.

Anyways, I should probably answer Sollux. He's one of my better friends. However, I promise I do have human friends as well. Sort of.

but whatever.

-twinArmageddons (TA) began pestering _ (_)-

TA: hey.

TA: answer me.

TA: seriiously thiis iis iimportant

TA: liiterally the fate of both of our uniiverses could depend on you answeriing me at thiis second

_: šõrrÿ

_: ìm hėrė ñõw

_: whãt ìš ìt

TA: ok, you know those 'friiends' II told you about

_: ÿõū mėãñ thõšė kìdš ėvėrÿõñė ėłšė ìš šõ õbšėššėd wìth?

_: hmmmmm, whãt wėrė thėìr ñãmėš... Õh rìght!

_: ìt wãš šõmėthìñg łìkė Jõhñ, Jãdė, Dãvė ãñd Rõšė, rìght?

TA: Yeah, somethiing like that

TA: anyways, they're supposed two be enteriing a sessiion

TA: but they're all so iincompetent

TA: exept maybe that Dave guy

TA: he might be ble to get somethiing done

TA: but he doesn't want to play

_: õk šõ, whãt dõ ÿõū wãnt mėãñ tõ dõ ãbõūt ìt?

TA: ii dunno

TA: maybe ii could get you a game fiile and you could help them

TA: seriiously they need help

TA: they have no iidea what they're doiing

TA: waiit, I have an iidea

TA: you liive really close two one of the kiids

TA: he's the fiirst one enteriing and they're haviing problems fiiguriing iit out

TA: iif ii can fiigure out the address you could probably walk there

_: wõãh, šłõw dõwñ!

_: whãt ãm ì šūppõšėd tõ dõ?

_: šhõw ūp õñ thė kìd'š dõõr štėp ãñd šãÿ 'hėÿ, thìš gãmė ÿõūr ãbõūt tõ płãÿ? ÿėãh, ì hãvė tõ hėłp bėčãūšė thė fãtė õf thė ūñìvėršė dėpėñdš õñ ìt'

_: ÿėãh, thãt'łł gõ grėãt

TA: yeah, but stiil

TA: can you please at least giive iit a shot

_: ūgh, fììììììììñė

TA: great, iil go get hiis address

TA: be riight back

-twinArmageddons (TA) ceased pestering _ (_)-

I close pesterchum and begin looking around my rooms for something to use to kill time while I wait. My eyes land on my electric piano, and I can feels a smile light up my face. I'm so glad no ones around to see me grining like a fool at an inanimate object. That would be so embarrassing. I've decided to learn a new piece. It's a song 'Beautiful Times' by my favourite band, Owl City. I pull up the sheet music for it on the laptop, and print it out. It looks kinda difficult, but I'm sure I can figure it out. I don't mean to brag, but if there's one thing I can do right, its play the piano. I don't know many other people who play instruments, but I'd love to be able to play with other people. I'm home schooled, so I can't take band, but I did teach myself clairenet. I don't practice that much anymore though, my brother complains that it's too loud.

It turns out I've been lost in though for longer than I though, though, because now Sollux is messaging me again.

-twinArmageddons began pestering _ (_)-

TA: ii got iit

TA: iit turns out he liives 4 houses two the left of yours.

TA: iits John by the way

TA: just though you should know

_: õh, thãt grėãt

_: ì gūėšš ìłł gõ dõ thãt ńõw

_: bÿė

TA: waiit

_: whãt ñõw?

TA: once you get iinto the game there wiill be a ton of monsters

TA: so... Just be careful, ok

_: ÿėã, ÿėã, ìvė gõt ìt čõvėrėd

_: ìvė gõt thãt dãggėr ÿõū gãvė mė, rėmėmbėr?

TA: oh riight

TA: siilly me

TA: ok, well, bye then

-twinArmageddons ceased pestering _ (_)

well, that was strange. The dagger I'm referring to is of course the one Sollux gave me on my birthday. I have no idea how, but he managed to appearify it on my piano, scaring the crap out of me while I was playing. He could have cut my fingers off, and I need those! But anyways, I allocated it to my strife specibus, which is now daggerkin, and I haven't used any other since. It just so cool. It's got these little windy designs on it, and the blade is made from some sort of weird metal that has a blueish tinge to it. I practice with it everyday on the dummies I like to keep around my room. But it seems I will finally get to use it for real now.

Well, I'd better get going. From what I've heaRd of these kids, they have probably already screwed up royally, and now I have to go clean up the mess. Well, at least the trolls have told me enough about the game for me to have a basic understanding. Though I wonder what will happen when John and I use the same client disk. I wonder if it will even work...

**yeah, so, basically my plan is for John and Kate to use the same client server thing, and so they end up in the same place and with almost the same hero title things, through some game glitch thing. It was just gonna be some much easier than figuring out one for Kate on her own. Also, if you guys come up with a good pesterchum handle, let me know and I'll add it to the chapter and all the future ones. Again. I am so, so, so sOrry for taking this long to update. Life has been kinda crazy though, and I lost inspiration. But it's back now! And we're all set for take off on the main part of the plot. I hope it's not too rushed...**


	3. Operation: Turtle Throw - planning stage

**Aaaaaand, I'm back! I felt really bad about taking a long time to update last time, so I kinda just punched this out. Forgive me if it kinda sucks. Also, I'm switching back to second person format because I would keep starting to write like that. Guess I've been reading homestuck to much. Haha, yeah...**

You are just about to leave your room, when you realize you've forgotten to answer your other friend! How could you?! you stand there for a few seconds, silently reprimanding yourself for being so inconsiderat, and then walk back to your laptop. Oh. Never mind. You suddenly don't feel so bad about leaving your 'friend' hanging for so long. You open up the chat window and prepare for the 'sick burns' you are about to expirance.

-carcinoGeneticist (CG) began pestering _ (_)-

CG: HEY YOU

CG: ANSWER ME YOU STUPID MINOR LIFE FORM

_: whãt dõ ÿõū wãñt, Kãrkãt?

CG: I WANT YOU TO SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME

_: Õk, būt rėmėmbėr mÿ rūłė

CG: YEAH YEAH I KNOW

_: tėłł mė whãt ìt ìš

CG: IF I SWEAR AT ALL YOU WILL GET SOLLUX TO BLOW UP MY COMPUTER

GC: I STILL THINK ITS A STUPID RULE THOUGH

_: ì kñõw ÿõū dõ

_: ñõw, whãt dõ ÿõū wãñt?

GC: I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A GAME SESSION

GC: A WORD OF ADVICE

GC: DONT TRUST ANYONE CALLED 'JACK NOIR'

GC: HES A BACKSTABBING GIT, QUITE LITERALLY

_: õk, thãñkš

GC: DID I SAY I WAS DONE

_: ñõ

_: wėrė ÿõū dõñe?

GC: YES

GC: BUT THATS NOT THE POINT

_: ìvė gõt tõ gõ ñõw

_: bÿe

GC: BYE IDIOT

-carcinoGeneticist (GC) ceased pestering _ (_)

you close the chat window. Karkat may act like he hates everyone, but you know he uses those insults like terms of semi-affection. More like semi-toleranc, but that's not the point. At least he gave you some useful advice this time. Huh. It kinda strange for himyo help you. Oh well. It's time to get this show on the road

You write a quick note for your aunt, telling her you'll be out for most of the day, and then you quickly run out the door before anyone sees you. You're almost positive she'd let you go, but you're not taking any chances. You're about to turn to go to the forest, when you remember that's not where you should be heading. _'4 houses two the riight' _is what Sollux told you. You'd better get going, you'll probably have to be there when he starts.

Kate, walk to John's house -»

you walk to Johns house. It doesn't look like there's been any house 'edits' yet, so hopefully they haven't started. There doesn't appear to be a car in the drive way, and you hope it's just his parents out. It would actually be much easier to do this if you don't have deal with any adults. You knock on the door. No one answers. You knock again, harder. You hear a small crash, and some one yells something that sounds a bit like 'just give me a sec!' You hope they're ok. A young man opens the door. Well, man might be a bit of a stretch. He looks to be about 13, perhaps.

'Are you Kathrine? Someone told me you might be coming, but I wasn't sure.' Him talking startles you out of your thoughts.

'what? Oh, yeah, I'm Kathrine, but you can call me Kate. I guess you're John?'

'Yup! So why are you here?'

'It's a long story'

Kate, explain -»

You explain briefly about the game, leaving out the part where you have no idea what you're doing. That would be rather unwise to mention.

He just stands there for a bit before looking back at you and saying

'You should probably come inside'

You go inside. He has a rather large house. But not too large. There is a fire place, some stairs leading to a second floor and two doors in a corner, leading elsewhere. John is walking up the stairs, so you follow him. He's talking about the game at around 500 word per second (not really) and you can tell he's really excited about it.

'...Its really cool that we can play the game like this. I didn't know you could have two people on the same server client thing.' He says, stopping outside a door. You assume it leads to his room. He opens the door and gestures to the room. 'This is my room. Sorry, it's kinda messy.' Its actually almost immaculately clean.

'So, John, if Im correct, we have 3 other people we will be playing with?' You ask. Of course, you think you know the answer, but you want to make sure your info is correct.

'Yup, thats right. There's 2 other girls, Jade and Rose, and my friend Dave.' He responds, confirming your assumption.

'Great. Let's get started. Where's the game?' You ask, looking around the room. You don't see anything with the Sburb logo on it.

'Ah, well, about that.' John starts to say, 'you see, my dad has it. it was in the car, and now it's downstairs.'

'Oh. But theres no car... Oh well! Lets go ask him for it.' You say, wondering why John thinks it's such a problem.

'No, we can't! It's my birthday and he'll assault us with cakes!' John responds, in a strange yell-whisper sort of voice. 'We'll have to sneak in and grab it! Besides, it'll be more like a movie this way!' He appears waaay to excited to play a game that could quite possibly ruin everyone's life. Ah, whatever. Who cares.

'Ok John, here's the plan' You say, literally making the plan up as you speak, 'I'll distract him, and you grab the game. This'll be practice for once we're actually in the game.' Yeah, this could work. You reach into your pocket to pull out a clever distraction and you find...another beanbag turtle. Yay. Oh well, it worked last time. You both quietly run downstairs and prepare to commence operation: turtle throw.

Kate, throw the turtle-»

**you guys I really need feedback on my story. seriously. Also, I need to mnow if you guys want this to be dave x Kate or John x Kate. Or neither. Don't make me choose on my own, please. Also, I still need a pesterchum handle. Please. Look, at how polite I'm being. Please I need help guys. Thanks.**


End file.
